Confused...

That's just the tip of the iceberg for all of my feelings these past few days. I'm sad, angry, annoyed, excited, hopeful, and confused. So confused I want to scream and would if my husband and kids weren't sleeping. Kris got a job offer in Utah... UTAH! WTF? That's across the country. It's not like it's down the road or a car ride away. It's a flight away, and a pretty long-ish one at that!

I just don't know what to do. Do we stay and let Kris continue being miserable-ish at his job, do we move to an area close to his current job? Do we go to Utah? Personally I'm not sold on the whole Utah thing but I'm also not totally against it. I'm just confused. This is one of the hardest decision we have to make. I feel so torn my heart actually hurts right now and I just feel like crying.

If we go, my mom, brothers, grandmother... They all stay. They are my family, my entertainment. My mom is so helpful and our babysitter, playmate, confidant, and best friend. People say that my immediate family (Kris, Grace and Luke) come 1st and I (almost) absolutely agree. I know that I should do what's best for my husband and kids but what is that? Is it ripping (yes, RIPPING) them away from my mom, the ONLY person other than me and Kris that gives a shit about my kids? The person who loves them so much, who buys them things just because she thought of them, the person who runs home from work just to see them and hug them, the only other person besides their mother and father who can make it all better? Or do we go to Utah? Where we know NO ONE!! To live in an apartment with a hundred other people (and by the way we are trying to escape annoying neighbors at the moment)? In Utah I know I know we have more opportunities for fun activities and my kids would have so many life experiences. They would be able to tell their friends when they older that they lived in Utah!

But mostly, the ONLY reason I'm thinking we should go is because of Kris. He's so unhappy with his job sometimes. He HATES his commute. I don't blame him! He used to get home at 5:15. He could ride his bike to work. We moved here because of that. But his work closed and moved to California and we decided against going so we could stay by family. SO WE COULD STAY BY FAMILY!! It feels like déjà-vu. We were faced with this predicament last year. Should we stay, should we go? We decided to stay and I was so happy! But now Kris sorta wants to go and that scares the living daylights out of me.

I'm not sure I want to go. I can't tell him that though because he wants this, even though he won't say he wants this. I know he does. How could he not? This is doing EXACTLY what he was doing before. He's said numerous times that his last job was his dream job and where he works now is just not the same. This new offer is exactly what he wants, plus he gets to snowboard for FREE. How couldn't he want this? But that makes me so sad because that's why I'm torn. I trying to be strong and make it look like on at least interested. I trying to be supportive but it's so hard.

My mom came over today so we could have dinner at my grandmothers (we do this every Friday). She brought a special gift for Grace because she hadn't seen her since Tuesday because she was sick. Grace was so happy to see her Meema she danced! Then she kept calling for her. When I put her in the car to go to my grandma's my mom had to go to her car to get something. The whole time my mom wasn't in sight of her she called her name, over and over. She wasn't content until she was in the car with her, so she knew Meema was right there. This scares me. My daughter doesn't really like anyone. She's very shy and very timid around people, even people she sees on a weekly basis. But something about my mom makes her light up and run to her for a hug! If I say we are going to visit Meema at work, she say "Hi Meema" very frequently until we see her.

We also do a lot of things with my mom. Like tomorrow we are going to the park with her and the kids. Then she's watching them so Kris and I can go on date night. Telling her what time we are planning to go to the part was so awful for me!! I just thought of *if* we move and she's all alone. And she doesn't have my kids to light up her life. I thought about only seeing her 1-2 times a month. I thought about only getting to talk to her on the phone and not getting to see her to break up my day. And I just wanted cry but I couldn't because them Kris would see me. I'm so confused! I'm trying to make my husband happy, my kids happy and my mom happy but I'm so unhappy I could run away for days and cry the whole time.

We've been dealing with this "maybe we will move, maybe we won't" thing for too long (2 years). I want to be settled. I want a backyard for my kids to run around in. I want a house that we are able to keep warm. I want a happy, healthy family. I want my husband to be happy BUT I want my mom. I know that sounds so childish, but it's true. I don't want to have to choose. I want to crawl in a hole and stay there forever so that I don't have to make a decision and I go along blissfully unaware that my life HAS to change, whether I want it to or not.

I want to go back to a time when my whole family was together and I never had to worry about leaving, or Kris being unhappy (he was happy at his last job), or what's best for my kids. I want to back to a time where I didn't have to choose.

I can either make myself happy (and my kids) by staying near my mom. Or I can make my husband happy (which SHOULD be my main concern, but I guess I'm selfish) by encouraging him to take the job of his dreams. I'm so torn, I'm so upset, I'm so tired of having to make grown up decisions. I want to be able to live a kids life but keep my family the way it is now. I'm so torn up inside, I just can't stop crying!

I don't know how much longer I can do this. Lying, supporting, encouraging, when all I want to do is scream and cry like Grace and say "I DON'T WANT TO MOVE, I WANT TO STAY BY MY MOM FOREVER!!" But I can't do that because then I'd be selfish and awful and worst person ever. Holding my husband back from his dreams just because "I want my mommy" is so selfish and childish! Confused is the only word to describe everything I'm feeling.

I am a horrible wife if I make Kris stay for my selfish reasons. I am a horrible mother for ripping my children away from one of their favorite people in the world. I am a horrible daughter for leaving my mom by herself because as much as she's my best friend, I'm her's and best friends just don't do that.

I'm off to cry some more and hopefully get some sleep. Althought I'm pretty sure that will be impossible with this ache in my heart...