Grace is sick

We've avoided illness with her since 6 months old but we couldn't avoid it anymore. It's pathetic. She has a stuffy nose, a croupy cough (I'm making sure its not croup... It not so far. She just coughs when she chokes because she can't breath), her temp is 99.7 and on top of all that she's getting 3 eye teeth. I'm sure a lot of her sickness has to do with teething. My poor baby!

How do I keep her from getting Luke sick? I making sure she doesn't touch his blankets, I'm Lysoling all her toys when she goes down for nap and for bed. I also Lysol his swing at bedtime because she likes to play with that. I also wash my hands a lot and use hand sanitizer whenever I'm going to tend to Luke.

I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to do. I feel bad for her and she's just miserable! I just don't know if I can deal with Luke getting sick too.

?'s for 2u2

1. How do you deal with your toddler stealing toys from your infant? We bought Luke toys for Christmas and he's finally starting to bat at things and play on his activity mat. Well Grace just will not leave him alone!! She messes with the activity mat, steals his rattles and thinks that all his toys are hers. She isn't being mean about it, she really is just not understanding. I try telling her they are Luke's toys and I always give her her own toys to play with, but what are you doing?

2. Have you noticed that your infant gets less time doing tummy time and playing on the floor? Poor Luke is always in his swing and we recently got him on his activity mat play. Grace only bothers him 1/2 the time. I'm not sure I feel safe with him on the floor because Grace just doesn't understand how close is too close and ends up kicking his head.

She is never jealous or mean, she's just 1 and doesn't understand.

Update to Luke's weight check...

We went today for Luke's weight. He weighed 9lbs 8ozs on 12/13 and today he weighed 9lbs 8ozs. So in 2 weeks he didn't gain but he didn't loose. He grew from 21 1/4 in to 22ins. Now the dr wants us to put cereal in his bottle but we aren't going to. His issue is it hurts him to eat, why would we make it more difficult for him?

Now we are waiting for an update from the GI dr to see what he wants us to do. Also, the pedi is calling Hershey Medical Center to try and get Luke in for a feeding study. The pedi said his tongue tie isn't worth fixing at this point because he seems to have stretched it out on his own. We were hoping the tongue tie was part of the problem but it doesn't seem like it is now.

So that's the update. Nothing great, but nothing awful either. We were hoping for better weight gain but at least he didn't loose! Luke will be 3 months old in 2 days and he has yet to break 10lbs. Now that is pretty funny..

We officially have a parrot living in our house...

In the last few days Grace has started to repeat EVERYTHING!! We read books everyday and recently I noticed when she "reads" the books on her own she is attempting to say those words. So now I read the books then ask if she can say it.

So for her colors book I say "orange" then say "can you say orange?" Now she attempts!!! She never did before! She has repeated orange, pink, yellow, purple and gray in several occasions. I'm so proud!

Also, I was saying "stop" to her the other day because she was taking her diaper off, then she said "stop" clear as day. Today Kris said "hi-yay" (like in karate) and she repeated it. Now I really have to watch what I'm saying. She refuses to talk until she's mastered it. I was baking cookies the other day and she ran to the stove and said "can I have one?" Of course she won't repeat it but I swear she said it!!

Grace still only says "mama" and "dada" consistenly but I'm excited because she's actually learning!! 

Should I be upset?

So Christmas Eve we spend at my father's house. I don't have a great relationship with him. He's seen Grace a total of 6-8 times and he's seen Luke twice. Other than Christmas, thanksgiving and the kid's birthdays we don't see him and he lives 5 MINUTES AWAY!! He doesn't care much about me or my kids but he has to look good so he shows up for events where others can see how awesome a father or grandfather he is (he isn't but he wants to look like he is).

So I emailed him on Sunday. I asked him if it would be possible to have dinner around 2 or 3 so I can go to church at 6 and still be able to put Grace to bed around 7:30-8. No one said a time anyway so I suggested one. Well he got back to me ad basically said he couldn't accomodate me because my brother is going to his GF's parents during the day and the earliest he can get there is 5. Then he says "not to mention I don't have the time to get everything together in such short notice. He said "dinner's at 5, let me know what you can do." Pretty much he's saying you are SOL, dinner's at 5 and I don't give a crap if you want to go to church on CHRISTMAS or if you want you toddler in bed at a decent hour that's what it... Deal with it! He saying that he would rather accommodate my brother, his GF and her 4 yr old rather than his daughter and his own grandchildren.

I personally don't really even want to go, I just go out of habit and to keep the peace between my brothers. I feel like my dad and brother should worry about me for once! I have a 1 yr old and a 3 month old for crying out loud!! No one cares if I am put out or if have to disrupt my kids' schedules for their dinner but I'm supposed to drop everything and be there at 5 because it works for my brother...

Am I wrong? Should I just go at 5 and skip church (even though I've gone every Christmas Eve since I was a baby) or should I just go to church and skip it completely? I'm trying to encourage a relationship with this man for the sake of my children but honestly he isn't putting for much of an effort at all!! He drives by my house at least once a week and has no need to see his grandchildren. Grace doesn't know him at all! When Luke was in the hospital he didn't even come to see him nor did he offer any help at all. He knows all the issues Luke has had and he has never call or emailed to check on him...

Our decision

Back story is our taxes went up $300 a month and between our 2 mortgages (we are renting our other house) we only have enough to pay bills... Not save or pay down our debt.

So, our decision is to sell. The realtor is coming by today and it should be listed just after Christmas. I'm excited! This isn't our dream house anyway. If this house sells quickly we will be renting. Our eventual goal is to build a house in an awesome development just 2 minutes from where we live now. We are meeting with builders on Jan 7th and we will find out costs. We don't really mind how long it takes to get to our building dream, but we are willing to wait. Building a house is the only way for us to get exactly what we want (and we have some pretty specific wants).

So we are very excited! Finally feel like we have a goal and a plan. I've been cleaning like crazy for the last few days getting this house in order but it's done. Both kids are napping and I'm watching "16 & Pregnant" re-runs. I feel so excited about this. Moving with 2 young kids will be tough, but I think it will be worth it.

Grace or Gracie?

People have been wondering why I don't want Grace being called Gracie. I got this question... Did it just happen that you thought she'd be nicknamed Gracie, but then when you met her you realized she wasn't a Gracie but simply Grace?

I called her "Gracie" even before she was born. I LOVED the name! Then EVERYONE started calling her that and it really pissed me off! I'm actually mad that I put "Gracie" on ornament last year. As she grew I realized more and more she was just Grace.

Her personality is definitely Grace, anyone who truly knows her won't call her Gracie because that's just not "her." People who don't know her at all call her Gracie... Even perfect strangers. I'm not sure the obsession with Gracie really... But it's really frustrating! It was originally supposed to be my nickname for her but then EVERYONE took it over. So now she's "munch" (munchkin but shortened). No one's taken that one!!!

Creepy scout...

There is nothing more terrifying than hearing "hi Grace" over your child's monitor. I nearly just had a heart attack!! I thought who the heck is in my daughter's room? But it was just Scout... A stupid stuffed animal! Oh my that was scary.

We're back!!

Luke did AMESOME at his appt today! I'm so relieved. He weighed in at 9lbs 8ozs... Gained 14ozs! I'm so proud of him... I know it was a lot of work for him and he didn't want all that food. Poor boy was forced fed but he gained!

We are trying him on Prilosec for his reflux in addition to the Zantac. Just went to the pharmacy to fill it and it's a $50 co-pay... This kid is expensive between his meds and his high tech formula!

Tomorrow's THE appt...

Luke is being re-weighed tomorrow! Please pray for ozs gained!! We don't want the stupid feeding tube.

I weighed him on Friday because I was curious. He weighed 8lbs 9.6ozs. He weighed 8lbs 9ozs on Monday. So he's at least maintaining. He's consistently taking 4oz bottles, for a total of 16ozs a day (man is it hard work though) but he's still spitting up a lot. I have no idea how tomorrow's going to go and I'm a little nervous.

His face looks a little chubbier to me, but I don't know if that's just wishful thinking...

WWYD?

So Kris and I did a lot of talking this weekend regarding our finances. We currently own 2 houses. The one house we were trying to sell and we bought our new house before it sold. Well, now we are kicking ourselves because 2.5 years later it still hasn't sold. So we decided to rent it out instead and we someone just moved in 12/1.

Recently our counties reassessed our taxes and now we have to pay $300 more a month between both houses. There goes our "extra" money to pay down debt. So we were discussing selling our current house (it's in a much better location and much more likely to sell). Then renting for a year to get our debt in check. Currently we have no extra money. Everything goes to our bills and we can't save anything. We even took from Kris' retirement fund and now that's empty. It sucks really and we really thought that other house would sell. Carrying 2 mortgages for almost 3 years has been taxing.

So WWYD? Would you suck it up and keep the house we are in and hope we can start saving in a few years? Or would you try selling this house and rent until we can get back on our feet? I'm not sure what to do really. Moving is a lot of work but if we rent smartly we could knock almost $1000 off our monthly bill just from not having our mortgage...

It feels like we are paying a "dream house" mortgage for a house that isn't even our dream house. I'm not sure if my decision is tainted by the fact that I really hate the house we are in (it was great for us as a couple but with 2 kids I see how much it isn't working for us).

Discharged

Luke was discharged a few hours ago and we are finally home. He was such a trooper! Of course he acted like a perfect angel the whole time, ate more than usual, and barely spit up. It made me look like the worst mom and 2 of the 3 nurses hinted at this too. The 3rd nurse at least defended me and said it wasn't my fault he's not gaining. When we got home he went right back to his normal... With pain during feeding, spitting up and not finishing his bottles.

The good news is his upper GI series came back normal with no abnormalities! Also, he's pooped 2xs today with the help of prune juice. He was 4 days without a poop before this.

He's only getting 11ozs a day worth of formula because he isn't interested in eating. I asked 2 of the 3 pedis in his practice and his GI dr if this was normal and they told me not to worry... He won't starve. The 3rd pedi said its THE problem and basically implied that I'm not trying hard enough to feed him. Now all of a sudden the GI dr agrees and they both insist he needs more (which is what I've been saying).

The plan: they want him to get 20-24ozs of formula a day (which by the way Grace NEVER took even at 11 months old). So they want me to give him more concentrated formula (so instead of 4 scoops per 4ozs of water, they want 5 scoops). With this new mixture my goal is 16-20ozs a day. I have to somehow add 5-9 more ozs a day into his day. So force feeding my son is the only answer. Pedi says that she doesn't care about his spitting up, it's the volume he's getting that matters.

So I have 1 week. If I can't get him to gain weight then he has to get a feeding tube. Talk about pressure! Either way I look awful to these drs. If I don't get him to gain weight then I'm a failure. If I do get him to gain weight it proves (in their eyes) that I didn't try hard enough to begin with. This sucks and I am so stressed out right now... I don't want him getting another feeding tube (he already had one in the NICU).

Here's the cutie in the big crib in his hospital room...

Hospitalization

Luke had a drs appt today to check his weight. He has to be admitted to the hospital now for a 24hr observation and an upper GI series. He lost another oz between Friday and today. The pedi said that his GI dr has essentially washed his hands of Luke and says "there's no more he can do." Which is BS because all he did was change his formula and up his reflux meds. He says it's no longer GI related and is probably neurological.... Umm you did no tests on him and NOTHING indicates this! His pedi is pretty upset. Luke only eats 4 times a day and says he should be eating 6 times a day. He never wakes for any of his feedings and I have to coax him to eat those few feedings.

Now I have to be observed feeding him for 24 hrs and I just feel like I'm being judged, like I'm not feeding him enough or trying to. I have to arrange for my mom to watch Grace because she can't come. Kris has a deadline at work and can't take off. My poor guy... I just want to cry! I wish these drs would stop giving us the run around. I wish someone would take me seriously for once. I'm so stressed out... 

Our Christmas Tree experience

So we put up our tree this weekend. She LOVED it and was in complete awe of it. Her face was truly priceless. However, she's scared of it. Won't go near it and hasn't really tried to touch it. It's been up 3 days now and she honestly could care less that it's there. She tried to touch it once and I told her no. That was the end of it.

I'm really glad we finally put it up! I was really afraid of her trying to touch it all the time. But it's been a surprisingly good experience. Now I really can't wait until Christmas!

Follow up to previous post

I called the pedi and they said I need to call the GI dr, the GI dr said I had to call the pedi! I was so frustrated I demanded the pedi see him for a weight check. I'm glad I did too! He weighed 8lbs 12ozs 10 days ago and today he weighed 8lbs 10ozs. The pedi is concerned about dehydration (his soft spot is slightly sunken). After a thorough check, the pedi said his ears looked dusky (not red, not indicating an infection but just not normal) so she gave him amoxicillin as a precaution.

Then we were sent to the hospital for more bloodwork to check his electrolytes. As soon as we got home I got a call saying his blood had hemolized (the blood cells we broken causing inconclusive results and we had to get more drawn). He got a heal stick because I didn't want him poked again in his arms. So now we have to go back tomorrow morning and get more blood drawn. I still don't have any answers but at least his pedi is taking me seriously now. She's really concerned and so am I.

His last bottle he refused the last oz, so he only got 1.5ozs. Now this bottle he is screaming at the nipple and won't latch. I finally got him to take it after 45 minutes of convincing him and burping him. Immediately after his bottle he spit up everywhere and now he's happy. This sucks!! So tomorrow it's back to hospital for more bloodwork. Then the pedi will converse with the GI dr and we will see what we will do.

Oh and he is tongue tied. The pedi he saw last week (there are 3 in his practice) said he wasn't but I knew he was. A different pedi today said he definitely was. Poor baby.

Grace's "safari" hat

Here's that picture of Grace in her "safari" hat, which is really part of her potty! I finally got a picture of it! It cracks me up...

Luke...

He's just too sweet, when he's not screaming in pain of course. We've had a GREAT day today and that is so rare, I had to eat it up. I was able to play on the floor with him for the 1st time ever! It was so much fun.

Here he is playing...



And holding a rattle (Grace's of course) for the 1st time...



And it exhausted him so much, he fell asleep while playing.



He melts my heart.

So confused!

Luke has been to the pediatric GI dr and his formula was changed to a Neocate and his reflux meds were upped. We were told to wait 2 weeks and see what happens but to call if it got worse. Well his normal is a lot of spitting up and a lot of crying and screaming in pain. Lately though his spit up has been slightly more but I can't tell if it's worse. I called the GI dr yesterday because he hadn't pooped in 5 days and I got to talking with the nurse. I explained his issues, that he would spit up non-stop and sometimes it was whole bottles. I change his outfits 3-4 times a day. He has a history of not gaining weight. She calls me back and says his dr says if he is spitting up more than he's taking in than I should phone our pedi immediately and Luke should be admitted to the hospital.

Well, fast forward to today and he's spitting up a lot! I'm not sure if it's more (how can you tell when he spits up so much already?). 3 times it was projectile. He's already had an ultrasound to rule out Pyloric Stenosis. The last time he spit up, he was screaming in pain, projectiled all over me and the couch then went to sleep comfy. This is EVERY.NIGHT but it seems like it may have been more than a bottle. I mean an entire receiving blanket is now soaked, as are my pants and the couch. He only eats 2.5ozs at each feeding.

His GI dr doesn't want to hear from me unless he's worse. How can I know if he's worse if I can't tell how much he is actually spitting up? I was thinking of calling the pedi tomorrow to get a weight check on him to see if he's gained or lost. I just don't know what to do anymore. And I thought we were having such a great day today.

2 months old

2 months! Where has the time gone? It feels like the longest AND shortest 2 months of my life!

Blah... That's all I can say. He's doing the same. He's on Neocate formula and is doing ok on it. Still spits up ALL.THE.TIME... whole bottles at a time. If he keeps down 2 whole bottles a day we consider it a victory. He's in pain a lot. Screams out a lot. Some nights (like last night) he's up every 15 minutes in pain. Other nights he STTN. It's never consistent. He screams at the bottle when you feed him and it takes at least 30 mins to feed him because you have to stop all the time. Going in the car is always a gamble, he's either an angel or you have to stop 1789472075 times to take him out of his seat so he can throw up all over you then he's fine. He's not really gaining weight... he's still in NB clothes and they fit him too big still. He's 2 months old today and I feel like it's just getting harder. I can't get into a routine because he's different every day. Nothing I do makes him consistently feel better and I can't take him back to the dr for another week because he's not any worse, just the same.

I'm frustrated seeing him in pain and I'm frustrated that he's still like this 2 months later! I'm hoping this is just an adjustment time to the new formula. His reflux is pretty bad, so honestly it could be that too. He's already taking his meds 3 times a day, but I think he needs something different/stronger.

His reflux is pretty bad and I think the medication he is on isn't strong enough. It seems to wear off within 3 hrs of his last dose and if you don't give it to him 30 minutes before his bottle he can't eat because it hurts too much. I have to wait another week before the GI will see us again, because he wants to give everything time to work. So his dose won't be adjusted until then. It's sad to say that he hasn't gained much weight in the last 2-3 weeks so that shouldn't be affecting anything. People don't believe me that he's 2 months old because he's so tiny. I looked back at my notes from Grace and he's a full pound smaller at the same age (and Grace was born weighing less than him). He still fits in NB clothes quite comfortably and 0-3 is just swimming on him (he only weighs about 9lbs right now). It's pathetic really...

STTN!!

Luke has officially started STTN. I am so excited. My sleepless nights are soon to end. My boy also rolled from belly to back for the 1st time today. He's getting so big!!

We just got an appt with a Pediatric Gastroenterologist for tomorrow at 10:30. You know you're kid's pretty bad when you can get in next-day with one of the largest groups around...

This is SO frustrating!!

I'm trying to get things figured out with Luke. He got switched to Alimentum, then he was awesome. So happy and smiling for the 1st time. Then Saturday hit and he was worse than ever. Screaming in pain when eating, he's spitting up clear mucus. I've changed more outfits in the last 2 days than I ever have. He has horrible gas, cries out randomly and won't sleep well. He'll spit up then scream when he swallows it, but he's on reflux medication.

So I call the pedi and they say... wait it out until FRIDAY because it's a new formula!! Huh? My son is clearly in pain and you want him to go a week in pain? I demanded something different, so she's talking with the dr. and will call back. I'm so frustrated! I thought this was figured out last week, I thought we were finally on the upswing, I thought I would gave gotten to enjoy my happy boy for longer than 2 days!! I feel like my life consists of crying and drs appt these days. My poor boy!

I got a new car!!

We listed my old car on craigslist and sold it less than 24 hrs later!! We also finally rented our other house after 2.5 years on the market! All of this means I finally got my mom car! I got the 2012 GMC Acadia (leased it) and I LOVE it! It's awesome and such a step up from my 2001 Hyundai Santa Fe. All the features in it are going to have my brain spinning for the next few weeks...

1st smile

At 7 weeks old, Luke gave us his 1st smile!! It also happened to land on the day he was switched to Alimentum formula for his milk/protein allergy! I love the toothless grins.

More tests

Well it's not pyloric stenosis (thank God) but we still don't know what's going on. Now we are ruling out a milk/protein allergy. He has to have no formula for 24 hrs so he's getting pedialite instead. I hope this does the trick. If he doesn't have any symptoms while on the pedialite then it's an allergy and he will have to go on Nutramagen. If he's still acting the same then he has to go to a GI specialist for his reflux...

So we still don't much, but we know he doesn't need surgery!! Yay! But my poor little guy is going to be in pain until we can figure out what's going on with him.

We are headed over to hospital. Luke needs an ultrasound and an upper GI series to rule out pyloric stenosis. This poor guy can't catch a break.

Is Thanksgiving REALLY next week?

I think I'm in trouble! Where did the time go? I'm not ready in the least for Thanksgiving! And we are hosting it for about 20 people (we do it every year). My house is a mess, we haven't started buying anything yet and we don't even have a turkey! I have a ton of organizing I have to do because our house is too small for our stuff. And I have a baby who doesn't like to be put down and seems like he's in pain.

Guess Grace and I should get cracking...

My 1st REAL hug!!

Grace just gave me my 1st real hug. EVER! I'm so excited. It was with 2 arms and a squeeze too. I seriously could cry right now... It was so precious!

And now she's "washing" me with a travel size bottle of baby shampoo (it's still sealed). Where did I get such a sweet girl from? I love this kid.

Does 15 months = mature?

Grace turned 15 months on Sunday. All of a sudden she just seems so much more mature! She lets you read her books downstairs now (before it was just in her rocker before bed/nap). She helps all the time with Luke now, gives him his pacifier if I need her to, gets his diapers... She follows directions like a champ!! She's eating well, being an angel and plays by herself a lot to give me a break. Luke is so high maintenance right now and she's dealing with it like a champ! She now knows what a cow and dog say!! And she has this colors book that we read over and over again, so I'm hoping she catches on quick. It seems like she wants to learn lately which is adorable!

Grace still isn't talking and refuses to say words (just "ummm ummm ummm" all the time and mama and dada), but I can see a glimmer of hope that she will be learning so many things in the next weeks/months.

Finally has a lovey!

Grace is 15 months old and I've been trying to get her to take a lovey for the past 9 months or so on and off. Well, she finally found all by herself! She now sleeps with her baby doll every night and for every nap. If she doesn't have it she searches for it. It is by far the cutest thing I've seen her do so far! She pats her baby's back when she trying to fall asleep then she kisses it. The other night she fell asleep with her lips on it's head! It's the only thing she will snuggle with in bed. Guess it took her baby brother to inspire this new-found love!

Halloween!! 2011

I love that both my kids are here to celebrate with us! They are just too cute!

If that isn't love, I don't know what is!

Grace's 1st time in the snow!! And our sensory activity...

So I made a sensory bin for Grace yesterday out of randoms in our house. I used pink and green beads, a big bowl, 2 smaller tupperwares, a wooden spoon, a measuring cup and her goat from her barn toy. She LOVED it! Played for 30 minutes without a peep from her. Here are some pics!








She kept taking the beads and putting them in the tupperware then dumping them back in the bowl! It was amazing watching her little brain work!



Then the SNOW!! She was so cute...



Trying snow for the 1st time...



Daddy throwing snowballs at her.



When did my baby get so grown up? She looks like a little girl here!!

Pertussis (whooping cough) ??

Adam just found out he has whooping cough. He has NEVER seen Luke or been around Grace since the Friday before Luke was born (9/23 to be exact). So 2 questions...

1. Is there a chance Grace could have it because we saw him a month ago? She is current on her vaccines. How long do you have it before symptoms show? Like could he have been contagious a month ago?

2. How long do they have to be on meds before he's not contagious? They are having a party for my nephew on 11/9... Is that too soon?? Luke wouldn't be going at all but I thought about bringing Grace. How long do I have steer clear?

I'm immune (had it as a child) and Kris just for a booster with a tetnus shot last year. I am SO paranoid right now...

3 weeks old

Luke had a pedi appt today. He looks awesome! He was born at 6lbs 1oz. Came home at 5lbs 5ozs. Last week he was 6lbs even. Today... he was 6lbs 13.5ozs!! This kid can eat! Go Luke... Luke is 3 weeks old today. Pedi said he's looking good. Hasn't caught Grace's stuffy nose (which really makes me think it's allergies for sure). His lungs sounds great, which I am ALWAYS worried about. He's having some spit-up and poop issues because we switched his formula, but they should work out soon. And he may have reflux, but Grace had/has that so I'm not surprised. So that's it! My kid is almost in the "normal" category. 5 more weeks until he can experience shopping and mall fun and we can finally go out together as a family!

My boy...

Luke's doing amazing! He came home last Sunday. He had to stay for 11 days and even the drs and nurses were surprised at how quickly he recovered! They were so surprised to see him go! We went to an appt last Wednesday and he was 6lbs 0ozs (he was 6lbs 1oz at birth). We go back tomorrow to make sure he's still gaining. He eats like a champ and poops like he is a boy, this kid always smells like something coming out of him!

Our little guy is so strong and you wouldn't know just looking at him what he's been through. He does still look like a skinny chicken though, so we are trying to fatten him up. He sleeps pretty decent at night, which is awesome! Usually does 3-4 hr stretches at a time. We are very blessed and are just enjoying every second with Luke and Grace!

Next is just a whine. And all of this is excluding my mom and Kris (they are AMAZING!!). Do you know that my brothers still haven't even held him yet? And ther than the day he came home from the NICU, no one has even come to see him (other than my mom). No one calls to see how he is or how I am doing with 2 kiddos 13.5 months apart! It's appalling to say the least. I'm upset that even having a son who went through what he went through doesn't spark anyone's interest in my kids. Maybe I expect too much?

Irrational fears??

Since Luke was born I've had some irrational fears. I'm afraid of him getting sick or ending up back in the hospital. Grace woke up with a stuffy/runny nose yesterday and I had a mini-breakdown. I'm 99% sure it's allergies (no fever and it's clear and she has no other symptoms) but I'm still a wreck. Poor kid has me doing hand sanitizer on her multiple times a day. Every cough/sneeze/weird breathing sound Luke does I'm telling myself he's sick.

I'm afraid he's going to stop breathing on me. I witnessed him having an apnea episode in the hospital (one of many from morphine) and it was awful! I talked to him and shook him slightly before the nurses got to him and he didn't respond. It required a lot of stimulation and ventilation support to get him to remember to breath. It was scary! I'm afraid if he did stop breathing I wouldn't be able to save him. When I burp him I'm afraid of making his lungs collapse again if I burp him too hard. If he isn't eating normal, then I'm thinking the worst. If he's up more than usual he's sick in my mind. I stay up at night and can't sleep because I'm afraid one of them is going to wake up. My mind won't shut off. Kris asks all the time why I'm so worried about Luke. I know it's irrational but I can't stop! Is this something I should talk to someone about or is this just because his rough start is too "fresh" in my mind?

This also brings up another issue I'm having with my OB. I don't trust him. After everything that happened leading up to/during Luke's birth and what he said to me during labor (essentially that it's my fault Luke came early). I'm not sure if I could even talk to him about this if that is what you guys think.... All I know is I feel like I'm going crazy. Even when my kids are sleeping I'm not because my brain won't turn off. I'm exhausted mentally and physically.

I am looking into a lawyer, but I'm not ready to talk just yet. I was informed at Luke's discharge that he could have hearing loss from an antibiotic he was on. This antibiotic was unnecessary and he was only on it because my OB refused to give me a 2nd dose of antibiotic while in labor (my GBS status was unknown because I was tested that day). If my OB waited until 12 midnight, I could have gotten a 2nd dose, but he "wanted me delivered by 10:30." Luke was born at 10:24pm. I was already 7cms that day and he broke my water and started Pitocin to have me delivered by 10:30pm. Luke's Neonatologist said that if he had had time to labor in the birth canal longer, his lungs would have been squeezed more and Surfactant would have been produced. But instead I went from 7-10 in 1.5 hrs because of he pit. Also, my OB knew his gestational, I should have delivered at a hospital with a NICU. Instead, Luke was transferred and almost died in the ambulance due to an apnea episode secondary to Morphine given. If his 2nd lung had collapsed at the hospital I delivered at, he would not be here. He went downhill quick... and they can't do chest tubes at the hospital I delivered at. So much is wrong with this picture, a lawyer is definitely in my future... especially if he has hearing loss (we follow up at 24 months).

Made-up language

Grace talks in this language that has to be made-up. She doesn't say actual words but she will "talk" to you like she's having an entire conversation. All we have to say is "Grace, jibber jabber" and she's off! Talking this made-up language. She also doesn't say many real words. Just lots of "dadadada" for things and of course she calls Luke "Benjamin or jaboo." She can say cat, thank you and milk but that's really all. Is this normal? I feel like she's really immature with her language skills. Uuhhh, uuhhh, uuhh is all we really hear when she wants something. I encourage her to "use her words" and always say what it is I'm doing for her but she never repeats.

I have a video of this made-up language and would post it if I could figure out how. It's really hilarious!!

When it's your toddler keeping up at night, not your newborn (vent)

So, Grace has been STTN since about a month or 2 before Luke was born. Yay!! Since he came home, she's has a night or 2 that she woke up but nothing horrible and we left her cry/fuss herself back to sleep. We never had to go in... until last night! She wouldn't stop crying and after 25 minutes, I went in. BIG MISTAKE. She wouldn't stop crying and was acting like she was in pain, but I soon found out she was playing me so she could play downstairs. So back in the crib she went.

After 1 hr of standing over her crib with my hand on her back, I let her cry for 15 minutes... nothing, After 2 hrs of standing over her crib, I left her again to cry for 20 mins... nothing. After 3 hrs of standing over her crib, I left her cry for 30 mins... nothing!! This girl cried/screamed so loud she woke up Luke, so back in I went. Finally at 2:30 this morning, I gave up. It had been 3.5 hrs since I went in at 11. Kris took over and had her to sleep within 30 minutes.

During all this... Luke was up for a feeding at 10:30, then 1... not a peep out of him before or after. Maybe he can teach his sister? How do you not hold grudges against her this morning? I'm exhausted! She got up at 8am, 30 whole minutes later... not enough for mommy!

I've seriously had enough of her sleep issues...

Update on us and some pics!

Well, we are surviving. Having Luke home is so amazing, but exhausting at the same time. He is such a chill baby and so laid-back. Being in the NICU has gotten him used to laying in his crib alone so I've been trying to keep up with that for at least part of the day. He only cries when he's hungry and seriously is so enjoyable. Sunday night was rough and he was up every 20 minutes between 2 and 4 for his pacifier (a curse of the NICU) but last night he slept in 3 hr increments all through the night. Grace was the one up from 2-4:15. Luke had to eat at 4, so I had to let her cry and she eventually put herself back to sleep. That was torture... having the baby sleeping but your toddler is keeping you up! 

It's crazy, but good. Luke is actually the easy one. Grace is driving me nuts! She's whiny, cranky and defiant sometimes. Other times she's "normal." I knew there was going to be an adjustment period for her, but this is ridiculous! I want my easy-going girl back again! She is finally not hating the baby... all day Monday she was yelling at him. Now she is saying "hi baby" and rubs his back or touches his feet. It almost sounds like she's trying to say "Luke" too! It's really cute. It's amazing having the 2 of them together!

Having a preemie is stressful. Every sneeze I worry and I am a freak about washing hands. I literally have sores on the back of my hands from it. Grace can only touch him on the back of the head and the feet. I can't take him out to stores or go anywhere (which sucks because we had Grace out the day she came home from the hospital). I feel angry and tied down, and I want to get out of the house! But as long as Luke is healthy, then I can do this... it's just really hard.

Now for the pictures...

Luke's lazy version of tummy time!

Here's us yesterday and Luke's 1st time in the swing!

Coming home day! 10/9/11

And now for a comparison... here's Grace.

These 2 look so much alike it's crazy. I have no genes at all!! Luke does have a different nose though and it's just so cute!

I will admit though that it's hard with Grace acting up the way she has. I want to scream by day's end everyday! She's testing me and so defiant sometimes I loose my patience a lot. Diaper changes have become a fight, diaper cream gets everywhere and I end up being the one who is crying. She whines and yells a lot. She is biting now and I'm afraid she's going to start throwing. She stands on her toys and her tables. Opens cabinets. Used to listen to "no" and now just laughs at me! I feel so lost. I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I expected a lot of sleepless nights and busyness but I never imagined Grace behaving this way! I am mad at her a lot and I feel like I don't love her (which I know isn't true but it feels this way)! All I want is to snuggle with my little boy and she won't let me! I am slightly resentful for that. I feel like I don't get any time with Luke and his infanthood is passing me by. I don't get to enjoy my kids because I am constantly yelling at Grace because she's out of control. What do I do? I know this is because of Luke and I REALLY pray this is a phase, but it sure feels like this is going to last forever.

Home!!

After 11 days in the NICU, 2 chest tubes, 3 collapsed lungs, 3 days on CPAP, 5 days on O2, jaundice, and severe Respiratory Distress Syndrome our little miracle is finally home!!

Don't worry... I have shorts on! 

He's coming home!!

Luke's chest x-ray looked good and he passed the car seat test!! He's coming home TOMORROW!! We are so excited! We are leaving at 9:15am to go pick him up. Already started some discharge paperwork today so I know it's real (assuming nothing new happens tonight). I had to vacuum and clean because he has weaker lungs. And I was trying to spend some quality time with Grace before tomorrow.

Luke gets cuter by the day! I can't wait for tomorrow morning, it's like Christmas in our house right now!!

Praying...

Luke has a chest x-ray in the morning to check on that collapsed lung. If it looks improved or gone, he can come home Sunday or Monday!! All the nurses seem to think he's coming home (everything else looks great) and they've been doing a lot of discharge stuff with us. We have the car seat test tomorrow too, where he sits in the car seat for an hour to make sure he will do ok on the ride home. We really want him home... This NICU crap is for the birds!

Update...

Yesterday was the first day I've seen Luke without tube and wires in his face since he was born! It was amazing. I didn't want to bother anyone with more updates. He is off O2 and bottle feeding about 2ozs per feeding! He regulates his own temperature. He's getting a circumcision today...

He would most likely already be home at this point but his right lung collapsed again. Luckily no chest tube was required this time!! But they wanted to monitor him since he went downhill so quickly the last 2 times. He's doing amazing though! I gave him his first bath last night. And he gets to wear real clothes today. I'm sad because I feel like I've missed out on over a week of his life, but I can tell he will be home really soon! We just don't know when at this point. They said they *think* maybe Monday or Tuesday but who knows for sure. We did find out that there are 3 other Lukes here born at 35 weeks and our Luke was the only one who need 2 chest tubes and had 3 collapsed lungs in total. Talk about bad luck...

We finally got Grace & Luke together! It was amazing having my whole family with me!

Moving along!

He's amazing! Both chest tubes are officially out!! He's off CPAP and has some O2 by nasal canula but he's on room air. He just is having trouble getting his breathing rate down. He's getting 15cc's of formula by feeding tube every 3 hrs. Last night he took 1 tsp of formula by bottle then tired out. No more arterial line, that's out too! He's on phototherapy now for jaundice but that's normal. We got to hold him for the 1st time yesterday!! It was amazing... I will post pics later but right now we are heading out to see him. It's the first day Grace is with us all day, so I'm praying she does well at the hospital (my mom had to go back to work). I'm getting upset lately because I just want my boy home! I don't want to do this anymore... It's exhausting and frustrating and I want normalcy back in my life. I did laundry today and that felt so good to just do something normal. Kris goes back to work on Thursday and I'm already having anxiety about it!! I'm praying Luke can come this weekend so I don't have to do this all next week too.

How's Grace doing?

Grace is doing ok. She knows something's up but doesn't know what. She whines a lot more than normal and is very clingy but we expected this. Bedtime takes longer and she is waking again at night but she's been through a lot. Poor girl keeps thinking we're leaving again! Considering everywhere she's been thrown and that fact that her entire routine has been turned upside down, she's doing awesome! She such a good little girl...

Don't judge...

Small update

Luke is doing amazing. He is still on CPAP but they tried him off of it last night for 6hrs. He did awesome but started straining to breath a little so he's back on it. He's breathing room air but he needs the pressure for now. His billirubin rose so he's on the lights now. He still has both chest tubes but will hopefully be getting the left one out today pending an xray. He is starting feeds now (yay!!) through a tube so hopefully that gets him closer to coming home. We had quite a few set backs and scares but it looks like we are finally on the road to recovery!

Being a N.I.C.U. mom SUCKS

It SUCKS!! I hate saying I am a NICU mom or walking around the hospital and people ask you about it because you have the band on your arm. This is the hardest thing I have EVER done in my entire life.

I hate wearing this arm band (Kris hates it too). I hate not being able to hold my son or change his diaper or feed him. I hate asking someone else if I can do something with MY son. I hate leaving him, worrying about him every second, calling the NICU 2x's a day saying "I'm calling to check on my son, Luke...," having a panic attack while waiting for the nurse to answer because you think every.time that something MUST have happened. But mostly I hate that he has to go through this. I don't want to be a NICU mom anymore... I want my boy home!

All I tell myself is if Luke can go through all this crap he has gone through I can rearrange my entire life to be there for him. He's the one doing all the work and I just have to be strong for him... and for Grace. It works for me to tell myself that.

Our 1st time leaving him... :(

We had to come home today. Grace needed us, we need clothes and showers and a rest and it's SO hard! I miss Luke. I feel bad when I'm at the NICU because I'm not with Grace then I feel bad at home because I'm not with Luke. I don't know where I'm supposed to be anymore!! I can't do crap because I just gave birth and I'm getting engorged and have to wait for my milk to dry up... My baby is supposed to be home so I don't notice I'm in pain.

On a positive note Luke is doing amazing! He is at 21% (which is what we breath) on the CPAP and they are just waiting for his breathing rate to come down before he comes off it. He may be off CPAP by tomorrow night or Monday! His arterial line may come out in the morning as long as his labs are good. His cultures came back negative for infection so he doesn't have to be on antibiotics anymore. He's resting comfortably and looking to eat and he took his first poop today!! Yay. I got to see him without the CPAP on and he is so beautiful. I also got to change his diaper today and that was so great. Grace is doing well too and is happy we are home. I want to celebrate having a baby and instead I'm being pulled in every other direction possible!!

He was getting his CPAP tubing changed and we finally got to see the "real" him...

And here's his hair!!